I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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