Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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