Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
