Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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