WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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