Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
