She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
