The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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