so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
