Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
