I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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