he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
