I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
