Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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