i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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