Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
