I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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