one might say we're banned from that church
it hurts more in the daytime
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I want a musical about memes.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
