My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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