My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
