I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
