the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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