Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
