Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
