listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
