I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
