we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
