It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
