i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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