So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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