Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My breasts were aching with rage.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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