I accidentally burped into my bong.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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