why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize