she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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