Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize