We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
