I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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