1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I have aggressive nipples.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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