just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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