If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
