there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize