If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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