you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
thus making me awesome and them whores
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
