cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
