All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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