and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm always down for nudity.
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