you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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