i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
