like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
