How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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