mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
