I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize
