Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
