Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize