I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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