Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
