get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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