The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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