Got a toothbrush?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
